i don’t know why i’m talking about work because i never do that, but i don’t know if i’ll still have my job by the end of the month, which makes me sad.
they said in my contract/letter that i’ll be employed there until the 28th of March but they may lengthen my period of employment if their financial situation improves (‘cause we’re broke as hell and yet the place has miraculously lasted centuries, all without government funding)
and it would be sad, yes, but i’d get over it, but then i found out that Jaime’s (who i work with) contract also expires the same time mine does, so if they’re going to save one of us.. they’re going to save only one of us. it’s just shitty because i’m really close to her and really love working with her and i feel that if they’re going to cut anyone it’ll be her because i’m younger and cheaper and all that bullshit. and she needs the money more than i do, i mean it’s nice to have cash to spend and put towards an account for saving but i don’t really think i’m working towards saving for anything and never really will, except maybe a car, whilst she has like five kids that she needs to support. if she goes and i end up staying i’ll not only lose the one person i’m close to there but i’ll just feel guilty too.
.. i guess this has turned into a sort of vent now because i do that very rarely these days. but i’ve also been feeling just.. shitty lately. uni is good but at this stage it’s sort of boring because it’s in it’s beginner stage, and i’ve just felt sort of.. not myself. i’m often alone in my classes except for like two and i’ve been sort of unconsciously avoiding people when they are there. i’ve started to make friends and i can do that really easily, it’s just that the whole new environment is still so daunting. there are just so many people i’ve never ever seen before.
and it’s just a really uncomfortable position to be in at the moment, cause i just feel crappy as a person, like i’m not worthy of anyone’s time or conversation and that i never really was, and that all my life i’ve sort of been cheating myself into thinking that i was worthy of good people, but now i’m suddenly seeing things for how they really are? and i know people have said that they genuinely enjoy my company but with some people i don’t believe that, like i seriously cannot take their word for it, no matter how sincerely they say it or how many times, and it’s so painful because they’re the people that i love the most, and i just feel like they’re lying to my face, and whether it’s because they’re simply using hollow words to make me feel better or to shut me up about my problems or if they do genuinely like me and care about my feelings has just gotten harder and harder to determine.